Last Sunday wasn't a pretty Sunday for me. The bedrooms were quite messy. The kitchen floor never got swept. We went to church and the kids were SO bad during the service. By evening service I totally snapped. I was so angry. So disappointed in my children and most of all myself. Wave after wave of that old fashioned mom guilt washed over me and I was drowning in the self pity. I was slammed pretty hard with the realization of my inadequacy.
The mind has a way of making you mull over events of recent weeks and months. And my mind really had no problem coming up with loads of accusatory remarks.
"Your daughter barely knew her piano lesson."
"You told the kids you'd find them an art project to do last week."
"Your husband has been asking for a scrub brush for the barn for weeks now.
"Your son didn't know his catechism."
"You spend WAY too much money on food."
"The kids don't listen to you."
"You didn't read your little girl a story."
"You're behind in school."
"Hot dogs are not a healthy lunch!"
"You were supposed to call __________ today."
And on and on it goes. But the point I'm trying to make is, if I had done ALL those things perfectly...if I had done EVERYTHING I needed to do and the house was all immaculate and clean and my kids obeyed perfectly, and my husband would have all the help he needs outside--I daresay I would be awfully proud of myself. I think I would deserve that pat on the back. I would want recognition. In short, I would be putting faith in my own deeds.
As a mom, I fall in this pit all the time. If I can do everything, I am a good mom. I've attained Proverbs 31 status. If I don't get it all done I am a bad mom. I deserve shame. Do you see what I am doing? I am looking at my own works. I am being driven to grant myself a title or feeling of self-worth by what I do.
Hasn't Christ already done the work? Those precious words on the cross, "It is finished," were they not for me as well? As I heap worth or shame upon myself based on my own actions during the week am I not cheapening grace--trampling the blood of Christ...adding to the Scriptures the requirements for justification? And what do I think I can inflict upon myself that God would deem 'worthy'?
As Goodwin so wonderfully put it:
"Will the Lord be pleased with rivers of oil? nay, with thy firstborn of thy body for the sin of thy soul? There is no proportion..... And as not rivers of oil, so nor rivers of tears, which (as all other actions that come from us) are defiled, and become but as puddle water."
--From "Of Christ the Mediator," The Works of Thomas Goodwin, Vol.5, pg 17
You know, this is one of those times where I've been corrected and am so very, very thankful for it. I'm am so relieved that I do not have to rely on my pathetic works, because really, they stink. My conscience, my children, my work that I do and have failed to do have completely convicted me of that. It's time to stop deriving my identity from my works and start looking heavenward.
Ah the lessons that need to be learned as we walk as pilgrims on this earth. This is one I will probably have to relearn. May the Lord alone receive all honor and glory.
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